How can we even SEE Alice when she’s armpit-deep in a separate bathtub?

I see London, I see France, but I can’t “see Alice” well enough to know if she’s wearing underpants.

Has a more mystifying image ever been served up to the American couch potato than that of two presumably naked bodies relaxing in adjacent but piping-free outdoor bathtubs?

When ads for Cialis first appeared, the centerpiece plumbing fixtures were poised high atop a secluded hill. I initially thought the couple ensconced inside had asked that the tubs be delivered to the precipice so they could follow a Tadalafil-fueled romp with a tub-sliding race down the other side.

But with each viewing (and it seems there are dozens of them in every nationally televised baseball game), I’ve become increasingly obsessed with the psychological back-stories of the cozy couple.

It’s a given that the man is afflicted with erectile dysfunction, but I’m certain he also harbors a Fitzcarraldo fixation. Instead of pulling a riverboat over a mountain to access rich rubber territory, however, my Fitz pulled clawfoot tubs to a summit in hopes of accessing rich territory requiring rubber of a more specific sort.

As for Alice, I’ve long suspected an obsession with Edith Ann, the mischievous five-and-a-half-year-old brainchild of comedienne Lily Tomlin. “I think it feels interesting,” Edith says, confiding that after a bath she enjoys sitting on the drain as all the water runs out.

What a thrill it was when the latest Cialis commercials were unveiled, proving my suspicion correct. By placing dual tubs on a romantic and faraway beach, the latest ads give us — and Alice — hope that a rogue wave might one day come along and finally put water in them. I also like to imagine that the beach is in the Southern hemisphere, giving Alice a "C(lit)oriolis" effect in the bargain.

Devising rational interpretations for nonsensical Madison Avenue concepts like this is enough to leave one limp. Perhaps pharmaceutical giant Eli Lilly will eventually shake the dew off itself and come up with a Cialis equivalent for the brain.

If that happens, I can’t wait to see how they’ll advertise it.

*Important information about this blog:

Do not read these observations if you are allergic to cynicism. Reading these observations while intoxicated on the cheap beer often advertised in commercials before and after those for Cialis can cause a serious increase in abdominal pressure, leading to possible shart attack. Contact your doctor or seek emergency medical attention if you become dizzy or offended while reading, or if a smile lasts longer than four hours.